By Dazza:

This story is from the weekend just past. Woke up Saturday lunchtime, with every intention of having a big Saturday night on the town. That was until I looked on the "FishVictoria" website, and read Mr Jolly's report from the week previous, which said that snapper were biting.

So I rang my mate Joey, who, of course, was more than happy to come with me in my boat for the afternoon/evening/night.

So, I started getting my boat ready. Filled up the fuel tank. Connected lights and batteries. Bought pilchards and silver whiting from the local tackle shop. Then I couldn't find my rigging gloves that I wear at various times when I'm boating. They must be in the glove-box. So I hop back in my boat, and open up the glove-box... to find a very large huntsman spider, sitting on the open lid.

Now, if there's a bigger arachnophobic in the world than me, I'd like to meet him/her. I can't even go near those "harmless" daddy-long-leg spiders. I sometimes watch in horror, as my mate's, dad, sister(!) pick up these things and play with them, and let them crawl over their hands!!! How do these people do this!!! I'm someone who believes all spiders should be done away with... they should and hopefully one day will become extinct... I hate them!... with a passion!!!... I'm not ashamed to say that I am a total wimp when it comes to spiders! They scare me to death... I'm a big baby around them... get the picture yet!?! In case you can't quite work it out, I'm not really keen on the old spiders ok?

So this huntsman is just sitting on my glove-box lid, and of course by this stage I've jumped to the back of my boat and I'm staring at it, wondering what to do now. It was just sitting there unmoved. I was mesmerised. So much in fact, that it didn't occur to me to get rid of it while I could still see it. It did not occur to me that it might, in fact, run off now did it?... and of course, after 10 minutes of us both sitting there dead still, Mr Spider did in fact start moving. And so did I! I jumped out of the boat and watched this monster crawl across my radio, and under the dashboard. He was gone, out of sight, and I had no idea where he might be going. A very large spider was on the loose in my boat, and I was about to go fishing! I needed to ring up Joey.

"Joey, I'm gonna be a bit late mate. We got a problem here."
"Not the motor again, surely!"
I've had motor problems in the last few months. A big thanx to the boys from "The Boat Shop" in Williamstown. It seems like my motor is finally running properly again.
"No, not the motor."
"Um.....your freezer died, and the bait's all gone off?"
"Nah, nothing like that. I'm not telling ya. I'll tell ya when I get to your place."
"Geez, I can't wait 'till then. You gotta tell me Daz."
"Nup, leaving now, see ya soon."

And with that I went and hooked my trailer up and set off to the house of Joey.

I pulled up outside Joey's place, and he was there waiting out the front.

"What's this problem then?"
I told him my horror story.
"Hmmm... and you don't know where it went?... ok, wait here."

He went back into his house, and returned minutes later with a can of Mortein. He then proceeded to almost empty the can. He sprayed everywhere around and under the dashboard, but no spider emerged. We stood there watching... waiting... for at least 10 minutes... nothing. Joey was no arachnophobic, but he was no spider-lover either, that I can tell ya. What could we do. Not a whole lot really. I looked up at the sky and noticed some very menacing black clouds approaching from the west. I was starting to think that the orignal plan of spending the afternoon/night/morning in the pub would've been the best option for the day. But there was no turning back. We set off to Altona boat ramp.

It was absolutely pissing down by the time we got to the boat ramp. I was totally drenched by the time the boat was in and tied up. I parked the car and bolted back to Joey and my boat. Of course, the rain suddenly stopped once I hopped in under the shelter of the canopy. Oh well. We headed out of the harbour to find nice calm seas, with a light westerley. I gunned the motor, and found that it ran beautifully. Good I thought. I momentarily forgot about my new 8-legged friend that was still hiding, hopefully asphyxicating, somewhere in my boat.

As we headed towards P2, the sea quickly got choppier, as the wing swung around to the SW and strengthened. By the time we got to P2, there was a 1.5 to 2 metre swell happening. Too big for my little BreezAbout. So we turned around, and headed for "the blue and yellow stick" just out from the boat ramp, hoping for some action on the pinky's that had allegedly been there a week or so ago. The Netters had apparently been through there and took the lot, (as usual) but we thought we'd give it a try anyway.

So, I'm concentrating on the sea, riding the waves with caution. I'd forgotten about Mr Huntsman by this stage. I just happened to glance to the left for a moment... and... you can guess what was sitting on the side of my boat. Yep, you guessed right.

"JESUS JOEY!!! THERE HE IS!!!!"
"WHAT?!?"
"THE F*****G SPIDER MATE! LOOK!"

I had the boat in neutral and was at the back of the boat in a second.

"Hmmmm... he's a big one isn't he." says big, strong, brave Joey, also keeping his distance at this stage.
"Pass the anchor Daz."
"What! You can't use that!"
"Um... ok then, pass me that empty drink bottle."

So while I sat as far away as I could, Joey squished Mr Spider, picked him up with a rag, and disposed of him overboard. Mr Huntsman was now a part of Altona reef. Joey then informed me that he thought the spider was, in fact, already dead. Either that, or so drugged up to its eyeballs on Mortein, that it was too stoned to move. Either way, he didn't pose any problems for my muscle-bound mate Joey.

I was like a new man. I could breathe easy again. I hopped back into the drivers seat, and headed for "The Stick." I proceeded to not get a single bite for the entire day/night. Joey could manage only a stingray and two troublesome banjos. But I didn't care. Even when the hurricaine-type rain fell again for the 5th time for the day at about 10pm, I didn't care. I felt like singing "Ding- Dong the spider's dead!!! WHOO-HOOOO!!!" We headed in to shore about 10pm, snapperless again. It was too late to hit the pub, and I was exhausted from the whole ordeal anyway.

It's funny ya know, even though he's gone, probably eaten by a snapper who showed up on the reef after we buggered off, I was in my boat today, mucking around with the GPS, and I had to open the glove-box for something. I can tell ya, I opened it with great caution... but was happy to find no ugly creatures living in there. Let's hope he didn't have any housemates... geez, that's something I didn't think about. Hmmmm, I think I may need to see a psychologist. Then again, my mates have been telling me that for years.

(3 November 2001)


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